Things that should be said...

1) List 26-28 things that you want to say to people, but never will.
2) Don't say who they are.
3) Never discuss it again.
______________________________________________________________
1. I Love You (i don't tell as many people as I should)
2. I truly wish that I had never met you, I'm glad that I did, but I could have done without it.
3. I will always be completely and utterly in awe of you, there isn't a day that goes by, that I don't see you, think about you, feel your love, or miss you.
4. I would have babies with you, lots of em, really, lets do it.
5. I wish I could see you again, just to tell you the truth, you always deserved it.
6. I wish you were closer, you're gorgeous and I love you.
7. I utterly despise you, ten years later.
8. I'll miss you, for awhile, but like everyone else you'll fade.
9. Remember the night we spent at Tempe Town Lake? It was probably one of the best, most romantic nights of my life, and I'll never see you again.
10. You told me misery loves company, it was you that made me miserable.
11. I would wreck your relationship in a second if I knew I could have you for the rest of our lives.
12. You were always a better brother to me than my real one.
13. I think you're beautiful but I NEVER want to see you naked.
14. You're boring when you're sober.
15. You're all the rocks I need in my life.
16. I've always been there for you, even if you didn't know it.
17. You are still the only one on my swing.
18. It's been a year and a half and I still can't let it go.
19. I hate working with you, we have nothing in common.
20. You annoy the living hell out of me, but I love you anyway.
21. You are the best friend a person could ever have.

This was fun, I will probably think of fifty more tonight.

There's never a danger in loving too much...

Wrapping up yet another holiday weekend it's time to take a look back at the last few weeks.  Life has been pretty interesting, there've been some good times, some great times, and even a couple bad times.  However the good has far outweighed the bad, in fact it's to the point where the bad is just an insignificant speck that will be looked back upon with amused irony.  I live alone now, and I have to say that I've missed it, having not done so since moving back from Phoenix.  Although I find it a little crazy that even tho I am the only one that lives there, I have yet to have a single evening to myself....we'll call that a good thing.  My apt is completely decorated for the Christmas party coming up and I have to say that Corey, Izzie and I did an amazing job.  Now I just have to finish planning the party and getting the guest list ready.  Thanksgiving went well, altho I'm getting tired of answering questions about a certain someone.  Went over to my gram and gramps and had dinner.  Then came back to Butte and did prime rib dinner again...and then bartended till the wee hours of the morning.  It was a great day of fun and laughing and good people.  Dad and I went Christmas tree hunting Sunday,  I fell up a hill then down a hill and then on the flat, oh yeah and one more time out of the truck.  Needless to say I'm a little sore and bruised.  Howy Cwap<-- where's Spud when you need her...lol   I almost forgot to put the most important part of the weekend in here.  Sitting at the Copper Bowl with Dad and Dave Saturday after putting on a convertible top, which came out perfect I'll have you know.  Chrissy walked in and said hi, then I went over to the bowling alley to say hi to Sarah and Nicholas.  It was kind of almost a surreal little time spent with the best of old friends,  Chrissy might get what I'm hinting at but at I just want to let you both know that I love you both more every single day.  Sunday evening with Sarah and Nicholas and Kai was just as amazing and Kai is getting sooo big, and cuter every day too. 

So here's to the best of old friends that get better every day,  great times with family's, to getting the toxins out of your life, to homemade kahlua, to boxed wine, fabulous movies, new friends that make an impact in the first week, to those that I've left behind but not forgotten, to Christmas tree hunts, fond memories and old photographs, to family, to my little sister, wonderful coworkers and their families, to Holidays which get better every year, to Christmas pickles, and pickles in general, Montana, cold dreary days, SNOW, to you, to me, to things we'll accomplish, to neighbors, to warm laundry, Christmas sales, and most importantly, here's to the future and the excitement it entails...

Don't come around here no more...

Well here's a little update for everyone interested.  After talking with the bank/Countrywide the loan for our house did not go thru.  Now we're working on going thru a broker and it should still go thru I just have to make some hurdles.  However, this could signal the start of my latest plan.  Or moreso the continuation of a previous plan that got sidetracked.  So here's the scenario:

I am setting the date for my birthday next year or April 26, 2009

Option A:  I get the house before then and end up staying in Butte, this should be settled by the end of the month since the contract on said house expires sometime in there I'm sure.

Option B:  I will be taking classes at tech, and yes I am signing up thank you.  Hopefully I can finish my degree over the summer and this fall, if I have to go next spring so be it. Anyway, I am going to put in my year at Platt here in Butte and that makes me eligible to transfer to any store they have an opening at, which could mean CHICO ß that's for Sarah.  Or I could go to Portland or Seattle or Salem, or basically anywhere in the Northwest.  Should this potentially fall thru I can always reinstate my urge to move to NOLA.

So that's what my living situation entails, in a nutshell of course.  Now here goes a little update on Butte and whatnot.  It's been crazy adjusting,  I was super excited to move back, and for the most part I still am glad I did.  I really think it's the living in Anaconda temporarily part that's killing me.  I got in a fight with the grandparents, moreso I just told Grandpa off for being an asshole.  So far everybody that found out says good job on standing up to him, apparently nobody else will.  That little incident effectively ruined most of my weekend however.  Oh well, grandpa got over it.

So if anybody has any thoughts or suggestions please let me know,  I could use some advice or just plain ole words of encouragement.

When everyone else has gone home...

I think this should be the title for a future autobiography of my life.  For some reason in my head it fits, better than I think it should.  It came from a bunch of dialog from a movie I watched the other night, which by the way was one of the best movies I’ve ever seen.  Anyway, it plays off the fact that I am essensially depressed ninety percent of the time.  And the number fluctuates up and down depending on who’s in town.  Sure when I go out I put on a happy face and for the most part I am happy.  When I’m with Mandy I smile constantly, she makes me happier than I’ve been in a long time.  When I think of Sarah, I smile cuz I know that she thinks of me sometimes too.  When I get a random phone call from Chrissy, it makes me think of the past, and how much I miss that.  But the problem with me is exactly what the title mentions.  How happy am I when "everyone else has gone home?"  The truth of the matter is I think I’m getting better.  I don’t have the huge bouts with self esteem anymore, I don’t go seeking affection in places that are not only risky but also detrimental to other relationships.  I am able to be the confident person that I once was, instead of the shadow that became who I am.  I laugh with people and in turn make them laugh.  I cry at sad moments because they let me know I still care.  I smile unexpectedly again, and I know that makes a difference.  So I guess you can say I’m happy when everyone else goes home,  but there still lies that seed of disent that can at any moment start to grow, and I know that someday it will again.  I know that all of existence can come down to a simply seed.  So I ask myself, do I nurture that seed, do I fertilize it till it consumes me agains? I don’t have an answer to that question,  I have a solution, one that most won’t agree with but to me its finite.  But we’ll see, we’ll see how the world plays out, I will miss everyone that have saved me.  And I look forward to meeting those that will.  So until then, I love you all, and I think about each of you more than you’ll ever know.