Because I work there...

NO SEX FOR A MONTH!!

A YOUNG COUPLE WANTED TO JOIN THE CHURCH. THE PASTOR TOLD THEM " WE HAVE A SPECIAL REQUIREMENT FOR NEW MEMBER COUPLES. YOU MUST ABSTAIN FROM SEX FOR ONE WHOLE MONTH."

THE COUPLE AGREED AND AFTER TWO-AND-A-HALF WEEKS RETURNED TO THE CHURCH.

WHEN THE PASTOR USHERED THEM INTO HIS OFFICE, THE WIFE WAS CRYING AND THE HUSBAND WAS OBVIOUSLY VERY DEPRESSED.

"YOU ARE BACK SO SOON...IS THERE A PROBLEM?", THE PASTOR INQUIRED.

"WE ARE TERRIBLY ASHAMED TO ADMIT THAT WE DID NOT MANAGE TO ABSTAIN FROM SEX FOR THE REQUIRED MONTH.", THE YOUNG MAN REPLIED SADLY.

THE PASTOR ASKED HIM WHAT HAPPENED.

"WELL, THE FIRST WEEK WAS DIFFICULT...HOWEVER, WE MANAGED TO ABSTAIN THROUGH SHEER WILLPOWER." "THE SECOND WEEK WAS TERRIBLE, BUT WITH THE USE OF PRAYER, WE MANAGED TO ABSTAIN."

HOWEVER, THE THIRD WEEK WAS UNBEARABLE. WE TRIED COLD SHOWERS, PRAYER, READING FROM THE BIBLE...ANYTHING TO KEEP OUR MINDS OFF CARNAL THOUGHTS."

"ONE AFTERNOON, MY WIFE REACHED FOR A CAN OF PAINT AND DROPPED IT. WHEN SHE BENT OVER TO PICK IT UP, I WAS OVERCOME WITH LUST AND I JUST HAD MY WAY WITH HER RIGHT THEN AND THERE. IT WAS LUSTFUL, LOUD, PASSIONATE SEX. IT LASTED FOR OVER AN HOUR AND WHEN WE WERE DONE WE WERE BOTH DRENCHED IN SWEAT." ADMITTED THE MAN, SHAMEFACEDLY.

THE PASTOR LOWERED HIS HEAD AND SAID STERNLY, "YOU UNDERSTAND THIS MEANS YOU WILL NOT BE WELCOMED IN OUR CHURCH."

"WE KNOW"' SAID THE YOUNG MAN, HANGING HIS HEAD, "WE'RE NOT WELCOME AT HOME DEPOT EITHER."

I want to dedicate this to someone someday...

Rain turns the sand into mud
Wind turns the trees into bone
Stars turning high up above
You turn me into somebody loved

Nights when the heat had gone out
We danced together alone
Cold turned our breath into clouds
We never said what we were dreaming of
But you turned me into somebody loved

Someday when we're old and worn
Like two softened shoes
I will wonder on how I was born
The night I first ran away from you

Now my feet turn the corner back home
Sun turns the evening to rose
Stars turning high up above
You turn me into somebody loved

This is my life...such as it is...

So I went to bed last night after screaming into my pillow for around an hour because my pain pills were not working so hot.  But yeah I finally fell asleep around two thirty in the morning, and that is when I began to dream.  It's weird that I don't remember my dreams that often, when I was a kid I remembered them all, but not so much anymore.  Anyway, I had this dream that I was hanging out with two other people, one of them was Tyson Lanes and the other I did not know.  I'm not sure why Tyson was in the dream becuase I have not seen him in five years.  Anyway him and I and this other person were jumping from top to top of these really tall pillars of rock until we came to one that was a shaft that led deep into the ground.  Anyway, we thought it would be cool to go down into the shaft, so I went first down the rope, and I have no idea where the rope came from...but yeah I was down there and it looked like someone lived down there, well I was watching the rope and the third guy that was with us came down and all of the sudden he got slashed from side to side and was dead.  Very gross.  Next came a weird shift, I was still in the room, but Tyson was gone, I don't know where he went, but now there was a girl who was also a prisoner of whatever just killed my friend.  Well it didn't take long to figure out who the killer was cuz he came back to take us away.  It was this creepy guy that looked like the little inbred guy from the movie that Jeff made me watch, I think it was called Wrong Turn.  Anyway, he throws us into the trunk of a car that had clearly hauled dead things before seeing as how we were now covered in fresh blood.  But he drove us to this abandoned school where somehow we got away from him and were hiding out in the rooms and whatnot, but for some reason we couldn't leave the premises, so the girl, who I don't know, but I love her, I know that, I am absolutely afraid of her getting hurt.  We hatch this plan to hide out in the back seat of the car we were brought in and wait for the creepy guy to get in to drive around and look for us.  So we're crouched down and after a bit he comes and gets in, then using my trusty Home Depot retractable pen I wrap it around his throat and choke him into the seat.  Just before he dies though I lashes out with a knife and stabs the girl I'm with.  He dies, and I am left to cradle the girl in my arms until she too, passes away... the dream ended with me feeling totally lost and wondering what the hell to do...  How fucked up am I?  So I woke up this morning, and I still felt the same way I did in the dream,  I have spent the majority of the day in bed wondering what the hell is wrong with me.  I have had no motivation to do anything, eat, talk to anyone, pretty much nothing and I don't know why.  I so far have questioned God, which got me nowhere, he's flakier than any of my friends.  Then I questioned my friends, and I decided that I need to work on a couple of relationships, and probably forget about a couple becuase they are not conducive to my positive outlook, which isn't so positive today but still... I'd like to say that all my friends are awesome, but well, a couple leave a few things to be desired...So after than I questioned my family, and that just left one big question, as to whether or not I have one, the only people I care about are grams gramps and my sis and dad, but even they don't really support anything I do and make me feel guilty about the things that I do anyway.  So yeah, that was my day and last night.  I dont' know what any of it means, and I don't really care, I hate fall, it makes me sad, winter is worse, am officially stopping the drinking because that only makes it worse, and I think I'm going to sign up for a psychiatrist and get on some meds.  Oh yeah, I forgot to talk about my feeling of impending doom for the last ten years, which is only that I have always felt like I'm not supposed to be here that long.  Like maybe I'll be gone by the time my thirty fifth birthday rolls around.  Who knows, maybe I'll Thelma and Louise it someday....

My experience at the ER tonight...

So there I was at work tonight, happily enjoying Home Depot and cleaning up my department when all the sudden I started to get a sideache, which wasn't really a surprise since I've been having them for two days because I thought I was passing a kidney stone.  Turns out I was right.  So this sideache got a little worse than the others and pretty soon I was gasping for air and hoping to almighty upstairs that a jet plane could crash into the store and put an end to my misery.  So I decided after much deliberation and all that I should go to the ER and get checked out, so Shannon called Laura to come get me, and I called Laura and told her to meet me there cuz I wasn't waiting around.  So my happy ass drove to the ER and checked in and all, got to see an old friend who's a nurse.  So anyway, I got to lay around the ER for three hours hooked up to an IV with some kind of wonderful clear liquid circulating thru my veins that the nurse put there.  She said the name but I was out of it.  So now I have a bottle of percocet and some anti nausea medication to accompany it...not to mention they found out that my apendix is "prominent" so I'm sure I'm going to be dealing with that soon.  I tell you, when it rains it poors but oh well  I'm off to take a nice little white pill and go to bed.....

Cuz I promised....

Ok, so FRIENDS are the reason we all are here.  Sometimes you meet a person randomly while doing a little guad ranging, I'd like to say that I remember the exact time we met, but unfortunately I don't, but still....I'm sure it was great.  Either way, you meet a person that six years later is still a person you can call whenever, and she ALWAYS answers her phone no matter what time of the night, and how tired she is, or even if she is asleep.  Even in her groggy state of mind she listens to you, and offers advice, and doesn't judge you, and makes you smile, or makes you laugh, or even frowns with you.  No matter what though, she is there, with you, and that is the most important thing there is, someone who is there for another person.  I would like to say that I am like that, but unfortunately there have been times that I am not available, or I'll get a call and not call back for a day or two.  She is not like that, she's amazing, it is people like her that make this world go around and I love that about her...no matter what, she'll be there...making my world go around, and loving me no matter what.  For that I say thank you and I think it goes to show that you are greater than me, whether you believe it or not.  So I love you, and you will always be a big part of my everything...

To feeling infinite....

"So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be..."  I'm having a Perks kinda night because I just had an odd experience.  I have been wrestling with the idea of moving back to Phoenix until January, mainly due to the fact that Missoula hasn't had the impression on me that it used to, until tonight...I was driving home from Denny's and I was feeling a little drab, that's what I do after I leave a friend, makes me wonder if I'll ever see them again...but anyway I was almost home, and I was thinking about Phoenix cuz I talked to Brian today and made sure it was cool and all, and I pretty much had every intention of leaving.  Then I was thinking about the road trips and such that Autumn and I were talking about, and then I thought about Laura, and then the rest of my friends, and then there was the moment, and this has plagued be for a little over ten years now, and I am a firm believer in signs and crap like that.  The perfect song came on the radio, yes I was listening to the radio, which I never do...but this song, and most of my good friends know what it is cuz it's my favorite, and if I've ever made you a cd and I give a crap about you, it's always the last song on the cd...and if I haven't, well I still care...really!!  So this song came on and I just felt infinite, like everything was at peace, and I'd come to realize that I am exactly where I am supposed to be for now...so I drove past my street and finished the song...sometimes it just takes the perfect drive, with the perfect song to feel infinite...so that is how I have come to the conclusion that I will not go back to phoenix, at least not for a couple of weeks and that will be to get my truck and belongings.  YAY roadtrip!!!!

The moments in between...

I saw you today, whether it was real or not I suppose I'll never know.  The moment came and passed like something from the dreams I used to have when we were together.  I miss those dreams, like I miss you, it's been so long since I've felt for someone like that.  I wrote our story one night, but like the letters we never sent to each other, I'm sure it will collect dust in a corner somewhere.  I took those letters out the other day, I love that I loved you so much, and at the same time I love that I hated also.  The only thing those moments of hate stood for were reminders of why I can never live without you, you were my everything.  I went for a walk the other night, seems I have been doing that a lot lately, but as I was walking thru the rose garden I was thinking about the time you told me that you hated to recieve flowers because they reminded you of death, something about once they start to bloom they are dying.  Maybe we blossomed back then, we'll never know, but that is how I feel, like maybe we did, and now we're just dying.  Or maybe your already dead to me, but I just can't let the memories go.  Maybe I don't want to, I just wish I could make some sense of it all.  Until I know however, I do still love you, as I always have and I'll wait, not forever, but for now, I'm still here...