To New Beginnings...

Well 2007 is coming to a close, and I can't imagine a better way to end something than to have a new beginning.  I'm super excited about 2008 for a few reasons, mainly it's a chance to start over, even though it's a continuation of a life already lived, it's still always cool to have a metaphorical clean slate.  Secondly, if I have as much fun with my friends who I owe a very profound amount of thank yous to, in the new year as I did this last year, well it'll be amazing.  Lastly, I want to say that I'm excited for me, cuz basically I'm the coolest person I know...not really but it's always nice to think so.

So here's to the good times in 07, and here's to forgetting the bad.  I hope and pray and wish all a very wonderful New Year, I just have an idea that 8 will be great.

Be safe, don't do drugs, and make good decisions....(this statement can be used quite loosely btw...)

Oh and for fun, leave a comment with a memory from 2007 and lets just recap the troubles we got in and the fun we had...To 

hE wOkE fRoM a DrEaM

So here goes a shout out, a dedication, a lament, a sob story, an epic love poem, etc.... whatever the fuck you want to call it I guess.

This year has been a great roller coaster of emotions...love hate friendship compassion anger sadness bitterness naivety, it has had it's ups downs lefts rights zigzags and every other in between you can think of.

This year I have made so many great memories but forgot so many others.  I don't know why I do these things...for example I remember my birthday but I forgot Lisa's, I have no idea what we did, I remember St. Patty's but I almost forgot New Years, I remember the early morning hours of Valentines, but forgot the rest of the day.  Maybe I wasn't supposed to remember these things, maybe I just blocked them out, I don't know. 

I have felt like a great person this year, but moreso the asshole.  I feel like I let down those that needed me most, took advantage of those that lent a helping hand, and forgot those mattered most. 

I feel like I've made some amazing friends this year, but pushed them away at the same time because I couldn't be honest with them.

I would like to say that I achieved some goals but I haven't done shit.

So anyway, this is me, in all my grandeur (you'll notice the sarcasm here) picking up the pieces that are left, dropping a little comment about them here and there, and moreso just shouting out where there needs to be a shout.  Oh and I know most of ya'll will be all " we love you blah blah balh" but sometimes I just need to get these things out, and this is one way of doing it. 

And to boot, I am typing this while listening to techno remixes.  So if there's a thumpa in there, that's why.....

Sarah Beth Lueck (and the lil Kai guy) - As always you rock my world, you are a thousand miles away and I still feel like you are right next door, loving me as I hope you know that I am loving you, with every ounce of my soul.

Christina Safron Marchion - I'll never be able to repay you for what you have brought into my life, and taken out of it.  The ways you have enriched what was already there, and helped me nurture what was trying to break free.  I will always be utterly in awe of every thing that you are. I love you.

Michael James Beasley - I have no idea why I'm using formal names, but what the hell...you'll always be Sparky.  The last year hanging out with you, watching you become who you are today, has enriched my life to no end.  It has been fun, or moreso, it's been a fucking blast and a big part of me was crushed when you moved to Bozeman.  I'm sorry, so very very sorry about some things, but anytime you ever need anything that I have to offer, it's yours.  I love you and I'm always here.

Lisa Carolyn Enyart - yeah well you can just walk your happy ass over to my room and I'll you how I feel.  But remember, you're at the starting line to the rest of your life, ready as you'll ever be.  Take a leap and I love you

Daniel and Shannon Hathaway - I really wish I could have been there at your wedding, maybe then I would have remembered it the other day...oops. Like I said I'm an asshole, but what else is new? You two are amazing, and I can't even begin to tell you how much you mean to me.  "Here's to you, and here's to me if we should part then fuck this, it ain't worth doin if you two aren't there" <-----great new toast.   I love you guys.

Shannon Woodman - One of these days I'm going to kick your ass or get you really drunk for the hell you've put me through.  I wouldn't have had it any other way though and I thank you for helping me to be who I am.  I love you  <----and Chelsea gets an honorable mention here too.....

The Home Depot Crew (Lindsay, Mat, Herb, Olivia, Ben, Kari, Tristen, Jeremiah, Steve, Krystal, Debbie, Tyler, Margie, Cooper, Jaimie, Cassie, and anybody else I might have missed) - Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you, so very very very much for everything, you guys couldn't have made the first part of this year any better it you'd have tried, and I look forward to many many many other adventures in the future....I love you all.

The DTV crew (Niki, Nicole, Kaycee, Tiffany, Dani, Melissa, Nikki, Andrew, Kevin, Karissa, etc etc lol) - I'm so glad I put up with four months of the stupidest company I have ever worked for so that I could have met you all.  Four months for the rest of my life....I'm fucked I think.  I love you all

Megan Kerzman - I'm sure you think that I forget you and that I don't ever remember you, but you have no idea just how close you always are to my thoughts.  I don't need a picture on the wall, or a place in my top friends, or a lunch once a week, or even once a year to know that I love you more than any other dream or dancing moonbeam in my life.  You are always close to my heart and you are thought of often.  I love you.

Nicholas Joseph Roth - I mean really, who the hell else would put up with us at three in the morning?  This is why we have each other.  Thanks for all the listening and bitching and moaning and laughing and tasteless jokes and tasteful jokes for that matter.  I love you.

Beth Norton - The last few weeks have been pretty glum, but I'm so definitely glad that the random thought of you the other day and bringing you back into my life, even if it is only thru myspace, has made me smile and laugh a little bit, and who else could I say Tickle Hill to, and they'd understand? I love you.

Jon Lupton - Thru all these years, you're still one I can turn too and have you get a laugh out of me...thanks for all the random conversations, and I do mean random...I still think that the Utah convo is one of my favs.  Mostly though, thanks for being here, on earth, and I hope you're around for oh so much longer.... I love you.

Jeff Larson - What would the world be like without sloppy ginas and random early morning adventures? And it's not the two months of brown crap between summer and winter that keeps me in Montana, it's people like you and if you leave, well I guess I'd just have to leave too, but F that Cali shit, I'm going east.  I love you.

And here's to everyone else that I am not thinking of right now, but I think about from time to time: Adelle Christensen, Jackson Dooley, Jeff Laslovich, Alexis Monaco, Kristen Kahm, Eric Wood, Timmy Perez, Adriann Kenney, __________<--insert your name here.   I love you all too....

To those who couldn't wait...

Each time I see you, each day that passes me by, I'm loving you more and more. It's been along time since my heart has felt this kind of warmth, the warmth that only you can bring out.  My heartaches from deep within cause it remembers that feeling that has been lost for a long time.  There were times and days where I have just about given up  hope.  But, then again, I know it was the hope that didn't make me give up, there are so many things, so many feelings, so much happiness, so much of the caring, so much of the laughter, that I have missed so much, and that is why I thank the lord above for guiding me to find such a good friend.  And most of all thank you for being you.  Don't ever change the way you are or change for someone, cause you being you is why life is so wonderful.  You touched my heart with all the love, caring and understanding that you have given me.  I love you from the bottom of my heart and this is just one way of letting you know, that you are always missed and thought of everyday.

...and a twist of fate

Well hello everybody, I just thought I'd throw a blog out here to let everyone know what I'm up to.  Not a whole lot has been going on in my life as of late.  I went to see my sister in Virginia, which was a fun trip.  I'm itching to go someplace else, but haven't decided where yet.  I cooked thanksgiving dinner for Lisa and Jaimie, it was rather delicious I must say.  Oh yeah, I have a really cool roommate/child that I'm taking care of named Lisa, and if I ever meet her mother......It got cold in Missoula finally and the snow came.  It's beautiful, I'll have to get some winter pictures posted.  I'm excited for the winter, but dreading it at the same time.  This blog is random.  I worked out a deal with Brian and bought JoLynn's Bronco.  I'm selling my other cars.  Oh yeah, I cut down a really cool christmas tree that lisa and I decorated.  I got in a huge fight with Mamados, and that is irritating me.  My mom and I have been chatting more and more lately.  My dad still has cancer.  I'll be in Arizona in January for Barrett Jackson.  and last but not least, I'm hoping and praying that I get to go to New Orleans for Mardi Gras.  Anywho, that's about it, hope all is well in the rest of the world...

A bit more...

            I guess you could call this the story of where I am part two since part one was the last blog I did.  I haven't really paid much attention to the details of my myspace account lately…I log on at work briefly and then forget what I'm doing and end up reading the newspaper online.  Weird eh?

            So I am just outside of my first ninety days at Directv and I have to say that I actually am entertained by working there, which is good.  I get mildly pissed when I think of all the trouble we had, but I definitely have to thank Melissa for rocking my socks and getting shit taken care of.  It's going well and I like my new shift, although I liked being able to work at Brian's till late now I kind of cut him short.  Speaking of…

            Brian and JoLynn moved back to ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Missoula and pretty much made my year.  They bought a house out on Mullan and I'm helping to remodel it.  I have my little sidekick back, Austin, he's pretty much the most amazing kid anyone could ever want.  He goes with me everywhere and I can't help but do whatever he wants me to, even if it's spending way too much money on helicopter blades.  But it does feel so good to have him around, he lights up my life, as do Hanna Mackenzie and Trever.  Trever told me the other day that he was glad he moved to Montana cuz I am here and I do cool things with him.  And Hanna is still the sweetest lil girl, and always has something incredibly adorable to say to make me smile, I really do thank whatever God is out there for her because she has truly saved my life on so many levels.  Then there's Spud, who could probably have mad Hitler laugh on a bad day.  Truly, I am so blessed to have them around again and I only wish I could spend more time with them.  And Brian and JoLynn too, I owe them so much.

            I've been going home to Anaconda a lot more lately to work on projects, getting some things done for my dad, working on my Delivery and whatnot.  I don't get as depressed anymore when I go, I actually enjoy doing things for dad and the grandparents.  I am doing some more upholstery and trying to get some of those jobs done.  I have my little workshop set up in Grandpa's garage, which I'm sure excites him to high hell lol. 

            We got a new roommate the other day, or actually today, her name is Lisa and I work with her at DTV, she's basically adorable and a kick to have around.  Shane moved out and in with his friend Erik.  I'm really looking forward to what Sparky, Lisa, and I are going to be like.

            I did however get some bad news this last week.  I finally went into the doctor and had my hand looked at to see why it goes numb and walked out with a carpal tunnel diagnosis.  I have to go see a hand specialist on Monday to find out if I have to have surgery on it.  Surgery scares me but if it fixes the problem I'm all for it, I'm tired of having to let my hand wake up every time I want to use it. 

            So that's a little update on where I am, I will be writing more soon I promise, and ya'll can check my online journal too for some more in depth thoughts, that I actually do still update quite a bit. 

The Story of Where I Am.....Part 1

Sometimes I hear a sound, or see something that sparks a memory from the past.  This morning I ended up getting out of bed a little early because my dad was here. He and his girlfriend spent the night so he could be at the hospital today.  Anyway, they headed to the docs and I thought about going back to bed but instead sat on the couch and flipped channels and then turned that off.  Thought a bit, got bored, turned the tv back on and got hit with a good dose of reality, and turned it back off.  Ten seconds of a show and I end up crying into my pillow, funny how that works huh? The best part about it was that it was over something that happened three years ago, or not so much an event, but a person.  At that moment I realized that what I've been thinking for the past few weeks about being comfortably numb, was entirely wrong.  Not that it was ever that comfortable anyway.

I guess I could relate the last month…in brief of course, I'm not a novelist.  My mom called me one day, which funny how I always remember dates, but I don't remember that one or any of them for that matter in the last month.  Anywho, if you know me and my mom, we don't talk that much so it was kind of a surprise to hear her on the phone going, I'm in ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Missoula, lets do lunch.  Great, lunch with my mom right? So I went to the Ho Hut and met her and the boyfriend for lunch.  Here's the kicker, after awkward small talk, since I hold grudges and can't forgive, she decides it's a good time to tell me she's got a lump on her thyroid and that they don't know what it is, and she's going in for surgery.  So I'm thinking great, a possible future ailment for me, seeing as how I got just about every gene in me from her.  I wasn't sure how to respond to it, I had a sick feeling in my stomach, but that was kinda second nature for the moment seeing as how I'd had one all week. Overall I didn't really have a reaction and we ended lunch shortly thereafter and I went home wondering what the hell was going on in my life.  Now looking back I realize that where I thought I maintained a stoic persona about it, I reached out to several people, and being the fabulous people they are, they held me up.  So exit mom, and enter dad…He'd been having pain in his legs since around the first of the year and didn't know why. Going to the stupidest doctor in the country didn't help either.  Me being the wonderfully naïve person that I am, didn't really go see him or anyone in Anaconda for that matter much at all for the first part of the year and kind of blew off that he was telling me he was in pain.  Finally I made a little trip with a friend to go see him, and even then, I still didn't realize anything was truly wrong.  Looking back I feel insanely guilty for being so selfish.  I know the reason I was there, as do a few others and I know I pretend not to regret too many things, I regret about 90% of my life.  So back to April and all, I get a call from my Aunt Mary who asks me if I know what's going on with my dad, and I gave her the story that I knew about it all involving the teeth and stuff.  She proceeded to take me and throw me on the floor and kick my head metaphorically of course.  I had no idea what was actually going on in my dads life.  So we proceeded to rally the troops, which was funny cuz I have the most functional dysfunctional family in the world, and got the ball rolling to get something figured out.  So blah blah blah, medical tests, blah blah blah, still nothing.  Finally my aunt calls me and says we'll be over in the morning to go to the ER at St Pats, and that I had to be there.  This is of course during finals week (did I mention that bad stuff always happens during finals week?) so I spent the weekend in a hospital room with my dad.  And I do have to admit that my dad was in pretty good spirits during the entire situation.  Then the night comes that we're sitting there talking about what was going on, and the nice nurse Laree came in to adjust his IV.  Yakkity yak with the nurse, she slips into the conversation so nonchalantly that my dad has cancer.  Yeah the big C word, drop smiles, I almost fell off the window ledge, and my dads face literally broke my heart.  In 25 years, I have never really seen my dad sick, seeing him laying in a hospital bed was already bad enough, hearing the word cancer crushed me.  Enter me though, I maintained face, asked the nurse a few questions and managed to get out of the room without showing any emotions.  I am of course supposed to be the level headed one in the family, little do they know.  So I get to make phone calls and break news.  Leaving the hospital I went to the one person I wanted to talk to, got my faults slammed into my face, and went home.  Today my dad is at his chemo session.

So now enter me, and I'll be the one trying to show humility, practice a little apathy, throwing in some empathy, and overall, just trying to maintain sanity.  That's a lot of y's.  I still don't know where I am, what I'm doing or how I'm going to handle the situations.  I guess baby steps are the way to go but I still manage to trip and  with those. The main things in my emotional repertoire right now are in this order: Dad, Mom, School, Work, Me, and finally my relationships with a few people.  I'm not sure if those are prioritized wrong, but I do know that is the order I think of them in. 

Dad: I worry, I really do about him, then I get angry with him, then I get over it, and then I get angry again, then I admire him, then I wonder where the hell we went wrong, then I think I should tell him some things about me, then I end up lying again, or still depending on how you want to look at it. 

Mom: Yet again, I worry, and then I get really really angry, then I get homesick, then I think about the way it used to be, and how much I relied on her, then I think about how it is today and I get mad at myself and I want to change it, then I call her, and I get mad again, at myself, because I can't breakdown the walls in my head.

Summing up Mom and Dad: I love them, I really wish I could show them that, but I can't, I don't know how anymore.

School: For the first time in my life I failed something, I suppose that's a pretty good track record seeing as how I'm 25, and I am speaking academically here.  Although as arrogant as it sounds I can't think of anything I have outwardly failed at.  In my mind, that list could compose a novel.  But yeah, I failed, saved face in my two important classes, but still FAILED.  I'm gonna go ahead and drill that into myself.  I'm not sure where I'm going to go from here, whether I'll do summer school or not, etc etc.

Work: Yet again, I feel so guilty for leaving the Depot the way I did, but at the same time I am so glad I did.  I have never had a job where I hated the company until that one, and sad to say  I let it show in my actions.  I never applied myself to the place, I never really put any foot forward, granted I wasn't as worthless as some of the people there (ie, Douchbag Dan, and Dickhead Taylor), but I still never did anything to make myself or anyone else proud.  I know that I have a good work ethic, and I know that I am intelligent, and I know that I could have succeeded there, but I didn't want to.  I'm sure I'm being criticized for some things, and to an extent I suppose I deserve it.  Oh well, it's over, I can't change the past, so I'll look forward to my future at my new job.  Which by the way I am super excited about, and it blows the Depot completely out of the water. 

Me: I suppose I should have prioritized myself as number one, but I couldn't do it, I don't give myself that much thought, except when I'm angry with myself.  I don't know how to put it, I could say I let myself down, but that wouldn't be entirely accurate, I could say that I failed myself completely, but once again, not accurate.  Mainly I wish I could just be me, have people accept me for it, and exist.  But here lies the selfish part, I can't be me, I can't stop lying about some things, I justify it by thinking that I would end up hurting someone I love, but in return just end up killing myself a little bit with each word.  Fun stuff eh?

Relationships: First and foremost, I am going to say thank you to a couple of people, Sarah Lueck, Chrissy Marchion, Mikey Beasley, Mandy Guhlke, Nicky, Jeff, Kari, Jaimie, Shane: you all rock my world, and I am so glad you guys have stuck beside me, or at least stayed in the general vicinity…I wish every day, that I could spend more time with all of my friends, and then I feel guilty because some of them give me more support than I deserve. 

.......to be continued

Stupid Mistakes...

So I had my little shindig of a birthday party this last weekend, and looking back it was a great time, lots of fun, lots of laughs.  The next day however, was not quite as much fun.  Not because I had to clean up a crapload of cake and booze, and everything else, while dealing with a hangover, but I realized that someone took my camera or I misplaced it.  I know that none of my friends would have done it, but the damned neighbor people were here and well they're a little sketchy.  I'm not super mad but really sad about it.  There were a lot of pictures on there, most of them I had put on my computer by that night except for one.  And that one picture represents a memory that is beginning to fade and its something I'll never get back.  So it's annoying but if someone stole it, fuck them, if I lost it, bummer for me, if it's misplaced in someones car, that would be fantastic.  Either way it's irking me...

Manipulating the Manipulators....

So I had a confrontation today with someone I spent a little time with awhile back and also in the not so recent past...it occured to me that I have never really dealt with him on a personal level until now, and by personal level I mean thought about it at any great length.  Anywho, he tried to turn a dumbass insignificant occasion into something of a dramatic nature, and I curbed it by bringing up something that I knew would get to him.  Was that wrong? Probably. Do I care? Probably not. Anyway, it kind of made me smile to know that I walked out of the encounter amused by the fact that I wasn't the one that felt like crap this time.  So to that person...Fuck You.

That being said:

I'm sitting in the UC Commons, and I have to say that I love coming in here. You get the best entertainment money can buy... Yesterday I'm sitting here doing my homework and I get to listen in on a conversation by a girl, and we're going to refer to her as Sorority Girl or SG for short, talk about how she can't find the right guy.  Her basis for argument was the idea that she couldn't find a man that would be home when she got there and is willing to clean up once in awhile, do some cooking, shower her with attention, etc.  Well hello, this is Earth and your a dumbass.  But still it was entertaining to listen to her sob story.

Exit SG and enter Freaky Weirdo, or FW

So FW and his buddy sit down at the table formerly occupied by SG,  they didn't stay long but the time they spent was well worth my time anyway.  So FW starts talking about the weirdos on campus as if he's normal, and let me tell you, you should have seen this guy, quite aways out there and that was just based on appearances.  Back to their conversation though: they started talking about how they always had to sit facing a window or the door to the room so that when supposed freak of nature Q enters to "blow them all away" they will know what's coming and be able to either jump out of the way, or out the window at the very least.  Maybe you had to be there, but it was hilarious and I was laughing the whole time at them.

So that brings us to today....