Standing calmly at the crossroads, not sure if I should run

Here we go again, it's time for a major change.  I'm sure nobody is really surprised by this but I have been re-examining my life lately and I've come to the conclusion that I'm not really happy at all.  I work a job that is completely and utterly beneath me...it's getting to the point where I fear going to the damned place.  I am going to school for a degree that I thought I wanted but now I'm not so sure.  So here we go, I'm going to switch majors and go back to the beginning where I actually enjoyed my classes.  I'm going to change gears starting this summer and take Anatomy and Physiology and hopefully get into the nursing program this fall.  It sounds a bit crazy after all this time, but I think it might be the right choice.  Like I said, after the re-examination it seems to be the direction to go.  It's either that or move again and I'm not sure that I can do that right now, for more than one reason.  I have dad to think about and even though I feel terrible about that, I have one other priority in my life...should it work out I'll end up staying in Butte, and if it doesn't, well I'm not sure what will happen but we'll see.  So yeah, that's a little update into the thoughts of me....

go on and take a bow...

A promise of sorts…

            Well, here I am, sitting in the dark on a Tuesday night after a restless nap.  I start school again tomorrow and I’m wondering if that is the best decision for me right now. On one hand I can’t wait till tomorrow, on the other, and the other is weighed down considerably more, I am absolutely scared shitless.  I haven’t went full time for over a year now, I know I’m a bit rusty on the whole class thing and I’m wondering how the hell I’m going to pull this off.

            Sitting on the edge of the proverbial cliff has never been my strong suit.  I thought I was the one that always tied a damned rope on and for a long time I never fell.  However about two years ago now, I did fall and sometimes I feel like I’m still falling.  Until that point I had never failed at anything, at least anything important to me.  Somehow it feels like that started a chain reaction, one after another, for two years now, in my mind walls have been crumbling, images have shattered, entire wings have burned down.  My perception has been permanently altered and that scares me.  I have a vulnerability now that was never there before, I don’t know how to deal with it but I know I must.  I want desperately to call people, to ask for help but I can’t, this is up to me.

            So I will take a stand and I might fail, and I hope that is ok.  I hope that you won’t judge me and I’m sure you won’t, but I’m still scared.  I will do my best and pray that it’s good enough.  I promise you that.

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To you…

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            Sometimes I catch a glimpse of you.  It’s always in slow motion and it’s always beautiful, as you were and still are.  Always the savior, you have always lifted me up and at times knocked me down.  I love you for that.  Everyday I remember something about you, and it makes me smile.  Once in awhile I remember an event and it makes me sad, and I cry for you.  Sometimes you answer, but sometimes you don’t…I know you’re there.  Sometimes I feel like you will never leave, and I love that.  Most often I ask myself why you don’t, and I’m grateful you’re here.  Sometimes it hurts to think of you, and those are my favorites, not because of the pain, but because I know it’s real, that you were there and still are.  Because I know that you think of me.

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So ask yourself…”where would you be, if you had given it all, to the passion of your life…”  I know where I am, and that is here, with you, and I’m so very glad of that, it lets me know that the decisions I have made were worth it, in every way.

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I love you