"Fuck the Best Western, I'm at least the Red Roof Inn..." -nicky

So just a quick update on where I am for all yous guys that read this....yes I am from Anaconda for those of you that got that lol....

I'm a little happy, I'm a little sad, I'm a little excited, I'm a little angry, I'm a little annoyed, and most of all I'm in a bit of pain, which the dominate feeling here...so let me explain each one....

I'm a little happy....

I have a friend who is back in town and she's awesome, I'm so very much glad to have her back around here, we have lots of fun plans in the works including one for the big dance coming up, it should be very entertaining to say they least.  I am also happy because someone told me they loved me, and meant it, it basically made my entire month so far.  We'll have to see if December can top it.   I'm also happy cuz I have made peace with my mind as of right now, I have a plan, and it's a good one, and it should play out nicely.

I'm a little sad...

I'm sad becuase I am leaving some people behind, and I know it's not permanent or anything, I can see them anytime, but they have been a huge part of my life and growth in the last six months.  But alas, there shall be cookoffs and house warmings and whatnot to make it all well...

I'm a little excited...

Actually I'm a lot excited, I am moving into an apartment with a very old friend who I've had the pleasure of getting in touch with again.  It's been super fun to get to know him again and I'm super excited to see what kind of trouble we can get in.  I'm also kind of excited to see where my life takes me because of this, although it also brings with it a fair dose of anxiety.  But we'll see how it pans out....I just said pan, we watched the new Peter Pan and also Hook on Thanksgiving, it was quite possibly the best thanksgiving ever.

I'm a little angry...

I'm angry with myself for not being able to fix things with my family, mostly my sister right now, I can't figure out for the life of me what to do about it, I just wish she would call me back.  I'm a little angry with the rest of them too, but that's just the same anger thats been around for years now.  And I have found that you can build new relationships on top of old anger, it just means you get annoyed with them a little easier...anyways, I don't want to be angry I just am, and I don't know what to do about it...

I'm a little annoyed...

I'm annoyed with the University of Montana, and the general majority of the people that go to the fucking place.  And had I not made a promise to my grandparents to finish my degree I would be long gone from this stupid assed place.  I mean fuck is it that hard to do what you promise to do?  So all I have to say is fuck UM, definitely fuck the Griz, and go Saints....and oh yeah, I'm a little bit annoyed with organized religion right now, I've been trying to get back in touch with some things and it's not going so well

and now for the pain...

So I now have a bad back, at least until I find out if it's permanent or not...I got in a little accident at work on friday, playing around with some fucking rolled roofing and I lifted the wrong way, got my back twisted and things popped and now I can barely move my back...so yeah I get to go to the doctor on monday and find out what the damage is...not to mention I get to find out some other things...

So yeah that's me in a nutshell right now...

A pledge to friends, both old and new...

I really just want to say, that as of today, I was truly honest with the one person that I would gladly give my life for...and from this day forward, I am going to try to be true to my beliefs and principles, and not worry about who I might offend, because if you can't respect someone else's opinion, I won't respect yours....but either way, to my oldest friends, I LOVE YOU more than you will ever know....and thank you for being there for my metaphorical bitch slappings :D

Fuck fear, and tauntings...

This is a revised edition of the blog that I was writing earlier, I have deleted huge portions of it since I didn't really feel like explaining myself to some of the people that would be reading it.  For those of you who want to read the original you can look at it on my LiveJournal, most of it will be there shortly. 

So I had this discussion with a friend today about how I feel about life, love, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, etc... and actually I have been talking to several friends about this, seems a lot of people knew me better than I knew myself, and such a lot of people know me now better than I know myself, these are of course the ones that have known me forever but still....I have also found out that I am a very complex person and yet I am utterly simple, it's a dilemna.  For sure if I were completely honest with myself I would be more on the simple side, but alas I build my world around me to the point that sometimes I get trapped within the walls until they come crumbling down, and when that happens we chalk it up to another nervous breakdown... So let me say that I am still the person that I was ten years ago, but today I am so much more...and I'm not so sure that I like what I've become...I have realized in the last few days that I tend to surround myself with people and objects that will satisfy me for a little while, but I neglect the ones that are the pillars on which I am founded.  I got an email the other day from one of my pillars, and it made me a little sad, and a little angry, really happy, and kinda confused all at the same time, talk about your emotional roller coaster.  But in writing back I realized that I shouldn't have to write that email, it should all have been out there, stories told, emotions explained, and situations analyzed....long gaps like the one we went thru should never have happened.  But it did, and that world crashed, and now I am left to rebuild, I only know that she will rebuild it with me. 

The next person, I didn't really talk to but thought about a lot, and analyzed the last ten times we did talk, and thought about the little notes I get from her, the messenger comments saying she loves me, also the same ones that make me feel super guilty about not getting ahold of her more often... but I realized she is one of the few that no matter the situation can make it better.  I made a vow to myself to be better with our communication, knowing full well that communication isn't what makes are relationship unique, but also knowing that it is a nice perk.  So I called her and for the first time I think ever, she DIDN"T answer, and I didn't leave a message, but when she reads this she'll learn the error of her ways, and I'll get a nice note :D

I realize that's a little choppy and confusing I'm sure, but only cuz I was deleting and adding little thoughts here and there, and then deleting some more.  but it gets the point across to the two people that I want it to,  they will understand it.  There is a third person that I need to talk about, but she will get her own probably tomorrow night, cuz I'm super tired and I'm going to go sleepy now. 

here are a couple of the deletions

I would like to say that I am an approachable person and that anyone can talk to me about just about anything and I'll most likely try to keep an open mind.  I mean sure I'll probably disagree with you, but I will still respect your decisions.  I really find that this is a very important trait with the upcoming elections and whatnot. 

For example, one of my friends is my dad, coolest guy ever, but we butt heads on just about every political issue there is, but I obviously still respect him. 

I will respect your decisions just as I expect you to respect mine, I tend to vote an equal mix of both democrats and republicans into office depending on how i feel that day...

The next friend I talked to, the conversation was about sex...and whether or not I thought it was a valued object in the world of love. Well after all comes down to what I think, I have decided that sex is purely an act of physical gratification.  I mean yeah it can be better if there is an emotional attachment but then again, just being in the room with someone is better if you like them.   That being said I believe you can completely, beyond a shadow of a doubt love someone without ever having a sexual relationship, in fact I think that sex actually ruins a lot of relationships.  Really, I think most people that think that there is something missing in their relationships  are actually just unsatisfied with the emotional aspect of there relationship, not the physical.