When everyone else has gone home...

I think this should be the title for a future autobiography of my life.  For some reason in my head it fits, better than I think it should.  It came from a bunch of dialog from a movie I watched the other night, which by the way was one of the best movies I’ve ever seen.  Anyway, it plays off the fact that I am essensially depressed ninety percent of the time.  And the number fluctuates up and down depending on who’s in town.  Sure when I go out I put on a happy face and for the most part I am happy.  When I’m with Mandy I smile constantly, she makes me happier than I’ve been in a long time.  When I think of Sarah, I smile cuz I know that she thinks of me sometimes too.  When I get a random phone call from Chrissy, it makes me think of the past, and how much I miss that.  But the problem with me is exactly what the title mentions.  How happy am I when "everyone else has gone home?"  The truth of the matter is I think I’m getting better.  I don’t have the huge bouts with self esteem anymore, I don’t go seeking affection in places that are not only risky but also detrimental to other relationships.  I am able to be the confident person that I once was, instead of the shadow that became who I am.  I laugh with people and in turn make them laugh.  I cry at sad moments because they let me know I still care.  I smile unexpectedly again, and I know that makes a difference.  So I guess you can say I’m happy when everyone else goes home,  but there still lies that seed of disent that can at any moment start to grow, and I know that someday it will again.  I know that all of existence can come down to a simply seed.  So I ask myself, do I nurture that seed, do I fertilize it till it consumes me agains? I don’t have an answer to that question,  I have a solution, one that most won’t agree with but to me its finite.  But we’ll see, we’ll see how the world plays out, I will miss everyone that have saved me.  And I look forward to meeting those that will.  So until then, I love you all, and I think about each of you more than you’ll ever know.