My kind of christmas story...

Christmas Story for people having a bad day....

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that
three of them were about to give birth and two others had
jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the
floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom, just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Worlds, they rise and fall, within your eyes...

Hmmm, I'm not really sure where to start, but I guess today is as good a place as any...

First I figure lets go with things that annoyed me....

1.  Apathetic people....really get a fucking life, nobody wants to hear your bullshit, I'm dead to the world, cries for attention...

2.  Stupid people....if you don't know what it is your looking for, I can't read your fucking mind, get a clue, figure it out, then ask...

3.  Crappy assed drivers....it's called a RIGHT of way, is that so hard to understand? Most of us know the difference between left and right by about kindergarten...

4.  Disrespectful people....I have opinions, you have opinions, they have opinions, he has an opinion, she has an opinion, the very least we can do is respect them, not agree with, just respect, it's not really that much to ask...

Ok we're done there, now lets go on to the things that made me happy, in a sad sort of way.

1.  I walked into work today in an incredible crappy mood, seeing one person changed my whole day.  It never ceases to amaze me that life works that way.  It completely brightened my day, and no it wasn't Meredith, but she does the same thing, but it still made me a little sad in a good way knowing that they are a one of those people that have a positive affect on your life but they will be gone again soon...

2.  This one is weird for me, I actually sang Christmas songs, whoa, back up the love boat there.  I hate, and I repeat HATE christmas songs, and the entire holiday for that matter, except the twinkly lights on christmas trees, but I put up some lights in my room tonight so all is well.  But yeah, I was singing carols all day today, annoyed the hell out of some people I'm sure, but it was fun.  But yeah, Christmas in general....we're not going to go there...

3.  The last thing that made me sad was a song, I actually teared up a bit, but that's not really surprising since I cry at just about any movie.  So yeah, I'm watching this TV show and I'm admitting that I am now addicted, but they picked the perfect song for a scene, and I heard the first bar and knew it and remembered a long past event and it was awesome and amazing and sad, and happy, and every other emotion you can think to apply to the situation.  And the best thing is that I would never in a million years have thought I'd hear that song in that situation...

So yeah, just wanted to get that off my mind, and now I have a novel calling to me from the other side of the room, and I'm rather excited to go read it....hope all is well to anyone who reads this...

"Fuck the Best Western, I'm at least the Red Roof Inn..." -nicky

So just a quick update on where I am for all yous guys that read this....yes I am from Anaconda for those of you that got that lol....

I'm a little happy, I'm a little sad, I'm a little excited, I'm a little angry, I'm a little annoyed, and most of all I'm in a bit of pain, which the dominate feeling here...so let me explain each one....

I'm a little happy....

I have a friend who is back in town and she's awesome, I'm so very much glad to have her back around here, we have lots of fun plans in the works including one for the big dance coming up, it should be very entertaining to say they least.  I am also happy because someone told me they loved me, and meant it, it basically made my entire month so far.  We'll have to see if December can top it.   I'm also happy cuz I have made peace with my mind as of right now, I have a plan, and it's a good one, and it should play out nicely.

I'm a little sad...

I'm sad becuase I am leaving some people behind, and I know it's not permanent or anything, I can see them anytime, but they have been a huge part of my life and growth in the last six months.  But alas, there shall be cookoffs and house warmings and whatnot to make it all well...

I'm a little excited...

Actually I'm a lot excited, I am moving into an apartment with a very old friend who I've had the pleasure of getting in touch with again.  It's been super fun to get to know him again and I'm super excited to see what kind of trouble we can get in.  I'm also kind of excited to see where my life takes me because of this, although it also brings with it a fair dose of anxiety.  But we'll see how it pans out....I just said pan, we watched the new Peter Pan and also Hook on Thanksgiving, it was quite possibly the best thanksgiving ever.

I'm a little angry...

I'm angry with myself for not being able to fix things with my family, mostly my sister right now, I can't figure out for the life of me what to do about it, I just wish she would call me back.  I'm a little angry with the rest of them too, but that's just the same anger thats been around for years now.  And I have found that you can build new relationships on top of old anger, it just means you get annoyed with them a little easier...anyways, I don't want to be angry I just am, and I don't know what to do about it...

I'm a little annoyed...

I'm annoyed with the University of Montana, and the general majority of the people that go to the fucking place.  And had I not made a promise to my grandparents to finish my degree I would be long gone from this stupid assed place.  I mean fuck is it that hard to do what you promise to do?  So all I have to say is fuck UM, definitely fuck the Griz, and go Saints....and oh yeah, I'm a little bit annoyed with organized religion right now, I've been trying to get back in touch with some things and it's not going so well

and now for the pain...

So I now have a bad back, at least until I find out if it's permanent or not...I got in a little accident at work on friday, playing around with some fucking rolled roofing and I lifted the wrong way, got my back twisted and things popped and now I can barely move my back...so yeah I get to go to the doctor on monday and find out what the damage is...not to mention I get to find out some other things...

So yeah that's me in a nutshell right now...

A pledge to friends, both old and new...

I really just want to say, that as of today, I was truly honest with the one person that I would gladly give my life for...and from this day forward, I am going to try to be true to my beliefs and principles, and not worry about who I might offend, because if you can't respect someone else's opinion, I won't respect yours....but either way, to my oldest friends, I LOVE YOU more than you will ever know....and thank you for being there for my metaphorical bitch slappings :D

Fuck fear, and tauntings...

This is a revised edition of the blog that I was writing earlier, I have deleted huge portions of it since I didn't really feel like explaining myself to some of the people that would be reading it.  For those of you who want to read the original you can look at it on my LiveJournal, most of it will be there shortly. 

So I had this discussion with a friend today about how I feel about life, love, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, etc... and actually I have been talking to several friends about this, seems a lot of people knew me better than I knew myself, and such a lot of people know me now better than I know myself, these are of course the ones that have known me forever but still....I have also found out that I am a very complex person and yet I am utterly simple, it's a dilemna.  For sure if I were completely honest with myself I would be more on the simple side, but alas I build my world around me to the point that sometimes I get trapped within the walls until they come crumbling down, and when that happens we chalk it up to another nervous breakdown... So let me say that I am still the person that I was ten years ago, but today I am so much more...and I'm not so sure that I like what I've become...I have realized in the last few days that I tend to surround myself with people and objects that will satisfy me for a little while, but I neglect the ones that are the pillars on which I am founded.  I got an email the other day from one of my pillars, and it made me a little sad, and a little angry, really happy, and kinda confused all at the same time, talk about your emotional roller coaster.  But in writing back I realized that I shouldn't have to write that email, it should all have been out there, stories told, emotions explained, and situations analyzed....long gaps like the one we went thru should never have happened.  But it did, and that world crashed, and now I am left to rebuild, I only know that she will rebuild it with me. 

The next person, I didn't really talk to but thought about a lot, and analyzed the last ten times we did talk, and thought about the little notes I get from her, the messenger comments saying she loves me, also the same ones that make me feel super guilty about not getting ahold of her more often... but I realized she is one of the few that no matter the situation can make it better.  I made a vow to myself to be better with our communication, knowing full well that communication isn't what makes are relationship unique, but also knowing that it is a nice perk.  So I called her and for the first time I think ever, she DIDN"T answer, and I didn't leave a message, but when she reads this she'll learn the error of her ways, and I'll get a nice note :D

I realize that's a little choppy and confusing I'm sure, but only cuz I was deleting and adding little thoughts here and there, and then deleting some more.  but it gets the point across to the two people that I want it to,  they will understand it.  There is a third person that I need to talk about, but she will get her own probably tomorrow night, cuz I'm super tired and I'm going to go sleepy now. 

here are a couple of the deletions

I would like to say that I am an approachable person and that anyone can talk to me about just about anything and I'll most likely try to keep an open mind.  I mean sure I'll probably disagree with you, but I will still respect your decisions.  I really find that this is a very important trait with the upcoming elections and whatnot. 

For example, one of my friends is my dad, coolest guy ever, but we butt heads on just about every political issue there is, but I obviously still respect him. 

I will respect your decisions just as I expect you to respect mine, I tend to vote an equal mix of both democrats and republicans into office depending on how i feel that day...

The next friend I talked to, the conversation was about sex...and whether or not I thought it was a valued object in the world of love. Well after all comes down to what I think, I have decided that sex is purely an act of physical gratification.  I mean yeah it can be better if there is an emotional attachment but then again, just being in the room with someone is better if you like them.   That being said I believe you can completely, beyond a shadow of a doubt love someone without ever having a sexual relationship, in fact I think that sex actually ruins a lot of relationships.  Really, I think most people that think that there is something missing in their relationships  are actually just unsatisfied with the emotional aspect of there relationship, not the physical. 

This is how I feel...

So my friend Nicky had this song in his profile the other day, and I realized tonight that it is really how I feel right now, but it makes me sad because I know that I can never go home.  For some reason, this song reminds me of my mom and my dad, and my brother and sister and the times that we used to have...going on road trips with Johnny, and playing campout in the backyard with Crissi, it made me think of my mom and the ways that we used to laugh and always had a goodtime because she was everything to me, and my dad because he is still the main pillar in my life, nobody should ever have to take that much shit from one person, but he did and we still get along....but it makes me so sad, that I remember those days, and I think that it would be so nice to be eight again, I realize that I wouldn't be the person I am today without the experiences that I've had in the last sixteen years, but I have to wonder what could have been had we all stayed together.  I think that is my one wish if i were to ever find a genie, is just to be close to my family again, it has been far too long...really...I just want to go home...

"Home"
Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Babe I miss you, you know

And I've been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
"I'm fine baby, how are you?"
Well I would send them but I know that it's just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I'm lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I've got to go home

Let me go home
'Cause I'm just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I'm living someone else's life
It's like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
That this is not your dream
But you always believed in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
In even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I'm surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
Oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I've had my run
Baby, I'm done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all be all right
I'll be home tonight
I'm coming back home

YAY for friends putting me in a good mood...

Ok so now I have some time on my hands and I think it's time to write the flaky people blog.  Mainly because I'm rather annoyed right now, but I do have the ninth season of Friends playing in the background so that makes me happy.  I just put a new picture of Hanna in the picture frame, she's adorable so that makes me a little sad, I miss the kids already, and I've only been back for a day.  Kinda makes me want to forget Missoula and move back to Phoenix.  If I didn't have to finish my degree I'd be out of here.  Possibly to Phoenix but most likely I'm gonna move to New Orleans still.  That or Boston, depending on job opportunities and possibly grad schools.  I'll miss Missoula and I want to move back to this area again sometime in the next ten years but I have to get out of here for awhile again.  I love it and I hate it at the same time.....so I'm laughing my ass off at Friends right now and I am not really in the mood to write about flaky people anymore, so I guess it's just going to have to wait until I am annoyed with them again, besides it's really not worth bitching about something anyway, it never gets anything accomplished.  But I would like it known that flaky people are annoying and I'm going to ignore them from here on out, I mean I am still there as a friend and all, but the rest is out the window with em....

Because I work there...

NO SEX FOR A MONTH!!

A YOUNG COUPLE WANTED TO JOIN THE CHURCH. THE PASTOR TOLD THEM " WE HAVE A SPECIAL REQUIREMENT FOR NEW MEMBER COUPLES. YOU MUST ABSTAIN FROM SEX FOR ONE WHOLE MONTH."

THE COUPLE AGREED AND AFTER TWO-AND-A-HALF WEEKS RETURNED TO THE CHURCH.

WHEN THE PASTOR USHERED THEM INTO HIS OFFICE, THE WIFE WAS CRYING AND THE HUSBAND WAS OBVIOUSLY VERY DEPRESSED.

"YOU ARE BACK SO SOON...IS THERE A PROBLEM?", THE PASTOR INQUIRED.

"WE ARE TERRIBLY ASHAMED TO ADMIT THAT WE DID NOT MANAGE TO ABSTAIN FROM SEX FOR THE REQUIRED MONTH.", THE YOUNG MAN REPLIED SADLY.

THE PASTOR ASKED HIM WHAT HAPPENED.

"WELL, THE FIRST WEEK WAS DIFFICULT...HOWEVER, WE MANAGED TO ABSTAIN THROUGH SHEER WILLPOWER." "THE SECOND WEEK WAS TERRIBLE, BUT WITH THE USE OF PRAYER, WE MANAGED TO ABSTAIN."

HOWEVER, THE THIRD WEEK WAS UNBEARABLE. WE TRIED COLD SHOWERS, PRAYER, READING FROM THE BIBLE...ANYTHING TO KEEP OUR MINDS OFF CARNAL THOUGHTS."

"ONE AFTERNOON, MY WIFE REACHED FOR A CAN OF PAINT AND DROPPED IT. WHEN SHE BENT OVER TO PICK IT UP, I WAS OVERCOME WITH LUST AND I JUST HAD MY WAY WITH HER RIGHT THEN AND THERE. IT WAS LUSTFUL, LOUD, PASSIONATE SEX. IT LASTED FOR OVER AN HOUR AND WHEN WE WERE DONE WE WERE BOTH DRENCHED IN SWEAT." ADMITTED THE MAN, SHAMEFACEDLY.

THE PASTOR LOWERED HIS HEAD AND SAID STERNLY, "YOU UNDERSTAND THIS MEANS YOU WILL NOT BE WELCOMED IN OUR CHURCH."

"WE KNOW"' SAID THE YOUNG MAN, HANGING HIS HEAD, "WE'RE NOT WELCOME AT HOME DEPOT EITHER."

I want to dedicate this to someone someday...

Rain turns the sand into mud
Wind turns the trees into bone
Stars turning high up above
You turn me into somebody loved

Nights when the heat had gone out
We danced together alone
Cold turned our breath into clouds
We never said what we were dreaming of
But you turned me into somebody loved

Someday when we're old and worn
Like two softened shoes
I will wonder on how I was born
The night I first ran away from you

Now my feet turn the corner back home
Sun turns the evening to rose
Stars turning high up above
You turn me into somebody loved

This is my life...such as it is...

So I went to bed last night after screaming into my pillow for around an hour because my pain pills were not working so hot.  But yeah I finally fell asleep around two thirty in the morning, and that is when I began to dream.  It's weird that I don't remember my dreams that often, when I was a kid I remembered them all, but not so much anymore.  Anyway, I had this dream that I was hanging out with two other people, one of them was Tyson Lanes and the other I did not know.  I'm not sure why Tyson was in the dream becuase I have not seen him in five years.  Anyway him and I and this other person were jumping from top to top of these really tall pillars of rock until we came to one that was a shaft that led deep into the ground.  Anyway, we thought it would be cool to go down into the shaft, so I went first down the rope, and I have no idea where the rope came from...but yeah I was down there and it looked like someone lived down there, well I was watching the rope and the third guy that was with us came down and all of the sudden he got slashed from side to side and was dead.  Very gross.  Next came a weird shift, I was still in the room, but Tyson was gone, I don't know where he went, but now there was a girl who was also a prisoner of whatever just killed my friend.  Well it didn't take long to figure out who the killer was cuz he came back to take us away.  It was this creepy guy that looked like the little inbred guy from the movie that Jeff made me watch, I think it was called Wrong Turn.  Anyway, he throws us into the trunk of a car that had clearly hauled dead things before seeing as how we were now covered in fresh blood.  But he drove us to this abandoned school where somehow we got away from him and were hiding out in the rooms and whatnot, but for some reason we couldn't leave the premises, so the girl, who I don't know, but I love her, I know that, I am absolutely afraid of her getting hurt.  We hatch this plan to hide out in the back seat of the car we were brought in and wait for the creepy guy to get in to drive around and look for us.  So we're crouched down and after a bit he comes and gets in, then using my trusty Home Depot retractable pen I wrap it around his throat and choke him into the seat.  Just before he dies though I lashes out with a knife and stabs the girl I'm with.  He dies, and I am left to cradle the girl in my arms until she too, passes away... the dream ended with me feeling totally lost and wondering what the hell to do...  How fucked up am I?  So I woke up this morning, and I still felt the same way I did in the dream,  I have spent the majority of the day in bed wondering what the hell is wrong with me.  I have had no motivation to do anything, eat, talk to anyone, pretty much nothing and I don't know why.  I so far have questioned God, which got me nowhere, he's flakier than any of my friends.  Then I questioned my friends, and I decided that I need to work on a couple of relationships, and probably forget about a couple becuase they are not conducive to my positive outlook, which isn't so positive today but still... I'd like to say that all my friends are awesome, but well, a couple leave a few things to be desired...So after than I questioned my family, and that just left one big question, as to whether or not I have one, the only people I care about are grams gramps and my sis and dad, but even they don't really support anything I do and make me feel guilty about the things that I do anyway.  So yeah, that was my day and last night.  I dont' know what any of it means, and I don't really care, I hate fall, it makes me sad, winter is worse, am officially stopping the drinking because that only makes it worse, and I think I'm going to sign up for a psychiatrist and get on some meds.  Oh yeah, I forgot to talk about my feeling of impending doom for the last ten years, which is only that I have always felt like I'm not supposed to be here that long.  Like maybe I'll be gone by the time my thirty fifth birthday rolls around.  Who knows, maybe I'll Thelma and Louise it someday....

My experience at the ER tonight...

So there I was at work tonight, happily enjoying Home Depot and cleaning up my department when all the sudden I started to get a sideache, which wasn't really a surprise since I've been having them for two days because I thought I was passing a kidney stone.  Turns out I was right.  So this sideache got a little worse than the others and pretty soon I was gasping for air and hoping to almighty upstairs that a jet plane could crash into the store and put an end to my misery.  So I decided after much deliberation and all that I should go to the ER and get checked out, so Shannon called Laura to come get me, and I called Laura and told her to meet me there cuz I wasn't waiting around.  So my happy ass drove to the ER and checked in and all, got to see an old friend who's a nurse.  So anyway, I got to lay around the ER for three hours hooked up to an IV with some kind of wonderful clear liquid circulating thru my veins that the nurse put there.  She said the name but I was out of it.  So now I have a bottle of percocet and some anti nausea medication to accompany it...not to mention they found out that my apendix is "prominent" so I'm sure I'm going to be dealing with that soon.  I tell you, when it rains it poors but oh well  I'm off to take a nice little white pill and go to bed.....

Cuz I promised....

Ok, so FRIENDS are the reason we all are here.  Sometimes you meet a person randomly while doing a little guad ranging, I'd like to say that I remember the exact time we met, but unfortunately I don't, but still....I'm sure it was great.  Either way, you meet a person that six years later is still a person you can call whenever, and she ALWAYS answers her phone no matter what time of the night, and how tired she is, or even if she is asleep.  Even in her groggy state of mind she listens to you, and offers advice, and doesn't judge you, and makes you smile, or makes you laugh, or even frowns with you.  No matter what though, she is there, with you, and that is the most important thing there is, someone who is there for another person.  I would like to say that I am like that, but unfortunately there have been times that I am not available, or I'll get a call and not call back for a day or two.  She is not like that, she's amazing, it is people like her that make this world go around and I love that about her...no matter what, she'll be there...making my world go around, and loving me no matter what.  For that I say thank you and I think it goes to show that you are greater than me, whether you believe it or not.  So I love you, and you will always be a big part of my everything...

To feeling infinite....

"So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be..."  I'm having a Perks kinda night because I just had an odd experience.  I have been wrestling with the idea of moving back to Phoenix until January, mainly due to the fact that Missoula hasn't had the impression on me that it used to, until tonight...I was driving home from Denny's and I was feeling a little drab, that's what I do after I leave a friend, makes me wonder if I'll ever see them again...but anyway I was almost home, and I was thinking about Phoenix cuz I talked to Brian today and made sure it was cool and all, and I pretty much had every intention of leaving.  Then I was thinking about the road trips and such that Autumn and I were talking about, and then I thought about Laura, and then the rest of my friends, and then there was the moment, and this has plagued be for a little over ten years now, and I am a firm believer in signs and crap like that.  The perfect song came on the radio, yes I was listening to the radio, which I never do...but this song, and most of my good friends know what it is cuz it's my favorite, and if I've ever made you a cd and I give a crap about you, it's always the last song on the cd...and if I haven't, well I still care...really!!  So this song came on and I just felt infinite, like everything was at peace, and I'd come to realize that I am exactly where I am supposed to be for now...so I drove past my street and finished the song...sometimes it just takes the perfect drive, with the perfect song to feel infinite...so that is how I have come to the conclusion that I will not go back to phoenix, at least not for a couple of weeks and that will be to get my truck and belongings.  YAY roadtrip!!!!

The moments in between...

I saw you today, whether it was real or not I suppose I'll never know.  The moment came and passed like something from the dreams I used to have when we were together.  I miss those dreams, like I miss you, it's been so long since I've felt for someone like that.  I wrote our story one night, but like the letters we never sent to each other, I'm sure it will collect dust in a corner somewhere.  I took those letters out the other day, I love that I loved you so much, and at the same time I love that I hated also.  The only thing those moments of hate stood for were reminders of why I can never live without you, you were my everything.  I went for a walk the other night, seems I have been doing that a lot lately, but as I was walking thru the rose garden I was thinking about the time you told me that you hated to recieve flowers because they reminded you of death, something about once they start to bloom they are dying.  Maybe we blossomed back then, we'll never know, but that is how I feel, like maybe we did, and now we're just dying.  Or maybe your already dead to me, but I just can't let the memories go.  Maybe I don't want to, I just wish I could make some sense of it all.  Until I know however, I do still love you, as I always have and I'll wait, not forever, but for now, I'm still here...